Solitary
by Revhead
Summary: The past 6 weeks have been rough for both of them. Something has to break. Coda for 12x09. Destiel.


**Solitary**

"You have to stop," Cas said tightly.

"What?"

Cas seized the front of Dean's jacket and shoved him against the wall.

"Hey!" Dean objected, but Cas didn't let go.

"You have to stop _doing that_."

"Doing _what_?"

"Throwing your life away like it's _nothing_. You've been doing it for as long as I've known you. No, you were doing it before I even _met_ you. It's _why_ I met you. And I am telling you, right here and now, that it needs to _stop._ "

"Cas, I don't know what you're-"

"Yes you do! You do! You know damn well what I'm talking about. You made that deal. Sure, Sam seemed to think that it could have been either one of you, but you never would have let that happen. You were going to just give yourself up, let Billie kill you. You didn't even look for another option."

"There was no other option!"

"You could have waited! We were looking for you. We were never going to stop looking."

"You never would have found us."

"Don't you trust me?"

"Cas, there was no way we were getting out of there. I did what I had to."

"You should have thought of something else!"

"There wasn't time!"

"No time? You fought through Purgatory for a year. You fought through Hell for 30 years! You were only in prison for a little over 6 weeks!"

"I was going insane!"

"And what, dying was supposed to alleviate the boredom?"

"You have _no idea_ what it was like! There was _nothing_ , Cas! No one to talk to, no monsters to hunt, no car to work on, no research to do, no music to listen to, nothing to read, no T.V. to watch, nothing to write on. It was still and silent and I could scream or cry or pound the walls until I bled and it wouldn't make any difference! At least in Hell I had Alastair taunting me, tempting me, torturing me. I had something to fight against, to resist, to give in to. But in that tiny fucking cell there was _nothing_! So yeah, I wanted to die! Anything would have been better than that!"

"And what about me? What about your mother? What about Sam? What about the thousands of innocent people who depend on you for their very lives, even if they might not realise it? How dare you just abandon them?"

"Don't you fucking get down on me for choosing the easy out. I have fought and bled and given my all and sacrificed everything for those ungrateful sons of bitches, and what do I get in return? A fucking cell in the middle of fucking nowhere. Solitary confinement for doing my fucking job and saving the goddamn President of the United States! I'm over it, Cas, I am fucking over being selfless. I chose one thing, one damn thing for myself. I chose to die rather than suffer another minute in that cell and I'd do it again."

"Don't say that!"

"I'll say whatever I want. You weren't there, Cas, you have no fucking idea what it was like, so don't stand there and judge me, you sanctimonious dick. I don't want to hear it!"

"Well you're going to! I don't care how bad it got! It's not just you and Sam anymore, Dean. You said I was family. And you were about to _abandon_ me. You didn't even give me a chance to save you."

"I waited, Cas. I waited and _waited_ until I realised that you didn't have enough of your mojo left to get the job done. I wasn't prepared to live the rest of my life locked in that cell waiting for a rescue that was never going to come."

"You could have trusted me!"

"Were you anywhere _close_ to finding us?"

"I was trying!"

"It wasn't good enough!"

"That's not fucking fair, Dean! I gave it everything I had. But I can't do this without you! I don't know _how_ to do this without you. Hunting, following leads, talking to people - dammit Dean, I don't even know how to _live_ without you! I was lost and alone and I _needed_ you and you were just going to commit suicide and leave me here alone!"

"This isn't about you!"

"Yes, it damn well is! You think you are the only one who has sacrificed everything? I lost my home, my family, my wings. My Grace is burning out more every day. I have been disintegrated, stabbed to death, drowned, practically eviscerated, tortured, beaten, driven mad, _possessed_ , and all of it - _all of it_ \- for you! And in return I have been yelled at, rejected, kicked out, forgotten, ignored, used, abandoned. Well I can't do it anymore! I can't keep fighting for you and then standing by as you do everything you can to get yourself killed. I _can't_ , Dean, and I don't fucking care if it is selfish. You need to _stop_. I need you to stop or so help me, I'm leaving. I won't put myself through this anymore. I can't love you and then watch you die, over and over. I _can't_ , Dean!"

The rage left him, then. He let go of Dean's jacket and stepped back. He bowed his head and his next words came out as a whisper. "I can't."

Silence stretched out between them.

"You're an idiot," Dean said quietly.

"Excuse me?"

"What the hell were you thinking, falling in love with a hunter? That's about the stupidest thing a person could do."

"I didn't mean to."

"Yeah. Well. I didn't mean to - to abandon you. I was out of my head, Cas, I wasn't thinking."

"Solitary confinement sounds awful," Cas admitted.

"It was. But I shouldn't have forgotten about you. I know - you've been through the ringer lately. What with Lucifer, and before that, those angels torturing you, and the attack dog spell, and the way I - I beat the crap out of you. God, Cas. I'm sorry. Everything has been so messed up and it feels like we haven't ever had the chance to just stop and talk and check in with each other. I haven't even asked you if you're okay. And you're clearly not okay."

Cas wished he could deny it, but the tear tracks on his face betrayed him. So instead he told the truth. "I'm drowning, Dean."

Dean stepped forward and took his hands. "Then I guess it is my turn to save you."

Cas looked down between them, seeing their joined hands, struggling to understand.

"We'll work this out, okay, Cas? Together. But for now, let's just promise that neither of us are going anywhere."

"I promise."

Dean squeezed gently. "Me, too."


End file.
